Thursday, March 28, 2002

oh yes..can't forget..

...Happie B-day Andrew...thanx for being by my side thru out this..never thought we can talk like before again..so happie n glad that u were there to talk me thru it..ur alwaz so honest when the rite time comes..me just thankful for having u back in my life..as a good fren..me will alwaz luv u..from the bottom of ma heart..
itz the long Easter wknd..yet..i've decided to stay in London..dun wanna be back in Toronto for several reasons..but mainly..itz coz i dun wanna see a grp. of frenz..those who know exactly wat happened will not have anything against me..yet..i know there r quite a few who dunno wat happened..actually..for those who knows..not even sure how much they know..but then..i know i'm a big part of the "fault" here..sigh..just feeling so bad that i can't face anyone yet..
i'm not as depressed as before now..but still..very unhappie..itz been 9 days..yet..i still dunno how i should feel about this whole thing..so screwed up still..
n therez this whole thing of how things should be at the end..r we still gonna be frenz like before?..should we even be frenz again?..r we even allow to be frenz?..dunno..everything is so..dunno..
well..gonna spend this long wknd catching up on my work..alot of readings n two essays..so much to catch up on since i basically missed a whole week of skool coz of this..arghh..
but..will be out on Sat. nite wif sum Western frenz for sum fun..looking forward to that..= )..

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

days r still going by slowly...sigh...still unhappie...sigh...
but really wanna thank my frenz for being there for me thru this harsh period of time...i know i can alwaz count on sum of u to be there for me...there r frenz who r just there for fun..yet...there r alwaz a few real frenz who know just when u need them...just from this past week..i found out who really cares for me...
even my little sis...who i never really got along wif...used to fight n argue all the time...but wat she did..even when itz just a simple msg...had showed me how much she really loves me...never thought she would stick up for me like this...but she did..she really did...luv u Joey...u can be such a bitchy sis at times..yet..u just know when itz the rite time to be there to support me...
n my other frenz..from all around...i thank you all for understanding me...wat happened was such a bad experience..yet..wat happened had made me realized how true u guys r to me...= )..i appreciate everything...from buying me that "luckie stone" to as simple as a phone call to check on me...
frenz have been an important part thru out my life...true frenz know they dun just share laughters...but they will be willing to share other things too...they dun run away from u when u need them the most...instead...they will run to u even before u call for them...

lastly..wanna thank a special person here...know he won't be reading this..but still...Andrew...from this...i realized that u still care for me...so happie that ur by my side thru out this..at first..u seem annoyed n irritated..coz of wat happened b/w us before..yet..u have proved to urself n me that u can put away the past n we can move on as good frenz...i can alwaz tell u everything...n ur alwaz being so honest to me...i thank you from the bottom of my heart...= )...

Monday, March 25, 2002

..days r going by ever so slowly these days..so messed up in thoughts n feelings still...really dunno wat i'm feeling..how i'm feeling...
feeling extremely sad..unhappie..guilty..mad..angry..confused..frustrated..all at the same time..
i feel really bad myself..for having to have put him in such a position..didn't mean to have all these to happen..never thought things would turn out this way..i thought..things would be kept b/w us two..n we'll both find a way to deal wif it..but guess not..
hiding away from a bunch of frenz now..dun dare to face them..though i know most of them know wat went on..but still..i'm at fault here..so..sigh..
dunno..just dunno...
last week..was still perfect..happie..now?!..= (...
dunno if i'm mad at him...i know i should be..from wat i've been hearing these days..but..do i even have the right to be mad at him anywaz?..dunno..dunno..dunno...
dunno wat i wanna do anymore...

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

wat a long dreadful nite...wknd was all about thinking n frustration...still can't tell whether i'm used to having him around...or do i really like him...tonite..we had a long talk...he said alot..confessed alot...admitted that he likes me...yet..nothing came out from me...can't choose wat to say to him...
feeling so sad n down...been crying for the past two hours about it...tears r still flowing down...
hez choosing not to do a thing about it rite now...i guess..itz wat i expect anywaz...but the fact that....sigh..nevermind...dunno wat i'm trying to say here...gosh..crying again...when will i ever stop?...back to how i was when i was in HK n broke up wif him...that time...it messed me up for quite awhile..wonder how long this one will keep me in a mess for....

Saturday, March 16, 2002

so here i am..stuck in London on a Saturday..i was back in Tor. earlier this week...headed back on Wed. n came back on late Fri. nite...y did i headed back to Tor. n Lon. so early?..all coz of this one single guy...i admit..i'm starting to do things coz of him..n not coz of myself..i'm thinking more for him than for myself...he tells me to come back..i come back..he tells me to head back lata..i stay for an extra day...wat the...
therez things i wanna write out here..yet..i dunno who have access who this site..sigh..o well...keep it to myself...as it had alwaz been like this...keeping stuff to myself n not letting it out...but once i decide to let it out..it'll be scary n ugly...

i'm sensing that i'm loosing a fren coz of this guy...a good fren of mine tells me to stay away from him..for my own good...i know wat hez telling me to do is right..yet..i'm not listening to him..n i really think hez getting fed up wif me...to be honest..i rather have the trust from this good fren of mine back rather than him if i were to really choose...rite now...as to where i stand in this whole situation...no matter how other ppl. sees it..i'm the "bad" one..
no one will understand the confusion n frustration n wat is really going on...i'm just...unhappie...real unhappie...

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

oh my gosh..itz been SO long since i last wrote...since reading week had started..i basically haven't had anytime to write up anything..yet..this was the time when the most had happened...took an extra week off after my reading week...=P...but still feeling so tired...stressed...frustrated...n confused...
so much to catch up on at skool...so dead...
gotta catch up on my sleep too...so tired...
i miss my frenz so much...AnnAnn..Angel..Jen..n sum otherz...miss u all...should have looked for u guys over my break..but got tied up wif stuff..sux...